Issue No. 18︱Monday, July 8, 2024

A wonderful recipe just for you.

Hey there, you sweet snookie-dookie little pies! You’re all looking delicious today, but not as delicious as these jello recipes I have for you. I have such sweet memories of my mama making these recipes for me and my siblings when I was growing up. Now you better not turn up at my mother's grave and let her know I’m giving you her secret recipe, or she just might give me a ghostly visit in the middle of the night! And I can’t have that again, haha!

All right, sweet cakes, here’s the list of ingredients for the most delicious jello casserole you'll ever taste!

• 2 packets of your favorite jello flavor (mine's lemon and lime, just like Mama!)

• Canned corn (NOT on the cob!)

• 8 oz of sour cream (FULL FAT)

• 1-10oz can of diced tomatoes and green chilies

• Sriracha sauce

• 2-12oz cans of chicken (do NOT use fresh shredded chicken)

• 1 bag of crushed tortilla chips

• Shredded pepper jack cheese

Now, are you all ready to see how you mix these ingredients together? All right, here we go!

1. First, you’re gonna get your canned corn and put it in your most toxic nonstick medium-sized sauce pan you own over medium-high heat.

2. Get your two flavors of jello, mix them right into the canned corn, and give it a good stir. Make sure to keep stirring so you don’t burn anything (and good thing you got that nonstick, so nothing will stick).

3. Add your tub of sour cream and mix it in until it melts. At this point, your pot should look like a yummy, creamy soup with a yellow-green tint (assuming you used the same jello flavors as me and Mama).

4. Now we’re gonna open up that can of diced tomatoes and green chilies, add them to the pot, and stir. Also, add a good amount of sriracha sauce to the mix and stir.

5. Add your two cans of chicken and stir.

6. Keep stirring over medium-high heat until everything is good, hot, and mixed together (roughly around 5–10 minutes).

7. Get your bag of crushed-up tortilla chips and pour them into an 18x26 cake pan.

8. Next, pour the mixture into the pan and spread it out evenly, making sure to get all those delicious ingredients in every corner.

9. Now sprinkle as much shredded pepper jack cheese as you want on top of the mixture, but Mama always said if you don’t add the entire pack of cheese, you’re a little bitch. ;)

10. Put your pan of delicious jello in the fridge and let it set until the jello is firm to the touch (roughly 4-6 hours). It’s best to make this recipe in the evening and let it set overnight.

And there you have it—the most delicious jello recipe straight from my mama’s heart! I hope you little magpies enjoy this recipe as much as my siblings and I did as kids. And again, don’t let my mama know I gave you her secret recipe; she wasn’t happy after I put one of her recipes in my official cookbook, which you can purchase at any bookstore or on my website!

I just know everyone you make this dish for will love it! And if they don't, well, I'll send Mama's ghost after them. I know she’ll be there after she made me perform that ritual on her when I was just a little girl. She told me, "Hun, after this, I’ll never truly be gone.”

Beware of the Toilet Paper Bears

Watch out for these bears.

You may have heard of them. You may have even seen their crimes on television. We’re here to warn you about the toilet paper bears. There are multiple families of brightly colored bears breaking into people’s homes and obsessing over their toilet paper. It may seem like something out of a children's story, but this is a real crime that is terrorizing many families.

They have yet to be caught, but we can only hope that one day we will no longer have to fear our home’s being broken into by these bears, only for them to delve into their sick toilet paper fantasies. Why they choose to only steal and obsess over toilet paper is unclear, but people are wondering why these bears insist on taking toilet paper from homes instead of purchasing some of their own like everyone else does. Professionals who have been studying these bears for years may have come to a conclusion.

“We believe that these bears may have a different brain development from regular bears. This would explain their unusually bright colors you don’t see in your common bear," says Dr. Real from the University of Believe It.

It seems these bears might not be actual bears, but some form of extraterrestrial being. “This would also explain why they haven't been caught," Dr. Real adds.

So it seems we’re dealing with some other worldly bears. They come into your home and take your toilet paper, then head back to whatever part of the universe they came from. We may never know why they want the toilet paper or what they intend to do with it, but hopefully it will be peaceful. The only way we can find out is if we eventually capture one of these bears and get some answers out of it.

Bug Killer Redemption

It’s Be Nice to Bugs Day July 15th. So what better time to give you the bug killer redemption story? Now, if you didn’t know, last year we reported a story about a vicious bug killer. We are happy to report that their killer was found and brought to justice, and it seems they may have had a change of heart after being released.

Just a few days after being released for the crime of ending the life of beloved community member [REDACTED], the bug killer was caught saving the life of another bug. While it may not be enough for [REDACTED]’s family to forgive the killer for taking the life of their loved one, they said they’re happy they’re at least trying. Others don’t feel so forgiving.

Some believe the killer should have been locked up for good and never seen again, while others are wondering what the killer has to say for themselves. We tried to talk to the infamous being; they refused to say anything at first, but after some convincing, we got a statement from them.

“I’m so sorry I did it. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I acted with fearful emotion,” said the killer. The majority of local bug residents weren’t satisfied with this answer, but then footage of the killer saving a bug from drowning in their sink was released, and some had a change of heart. There’s now a group of people saying the killer set it all up so everyone would think they had become a better person. While the verdict is out for now, we’d like to know what you think.

I PUT THIS BOX HERE JUST SO I COULD FILL IN THE SPACE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO WRITE ANYMORE FOR THE BUG KILLER REDEMPTION STORY.

Which would you choose?

• a laptop

• a slightly warm onion ring

Freezer Pop Day

July 8th

Freeze pop? Yes please! One of the best and most refreshing ways to cool off in the summer heat is by cutting open and sucking down one of these yummy pops. Some could argue that they’re more refreshing than ice cream, while others will burn you at the stake for even thinking of such a thing.

Blueberry Muffin Day

Continuing the theme for Blueberry Month, we have Blueberry Muffin Day on July 11th. Certainly, this is the best kind of muffin there is. So nice to bite into a little baked blueberry! Find yourself a local bakery and pick up a blueberry muffin.

Tape Measure Day

July 14th

Yes! It’s Tape Measure Day! Finally! You can celebrate by, um, measuring something! Without the measuring tape, how else could you know how long to cut your 2x4? How else could you know how much you need to bring down the inseam on your pants? Without the measuring tape, where would we be as a society? Perhaps, the measuring tape is what’s holding us all together.

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.