Issue No. 3︱Monday, March 13, 2023

How did this make it as the headline story?

It’s been roughly a year, but we finally have all the details of this story after we got an interview with a lady that suspiciously looks like the sufferer.

In January of 2022, the sufferer decided she wanted to start a design challenge. After a long search for some kind of fitting criteria that came up empty, the sufferer was feeling at a loss. She came across an article titled: The power of the 100-day design challenge, and things began to look up.

She related to the article, and thought it would be perfect for her. The sufferer, having no idea how to do things for herself, decided to imitate the format used in the article. Which lead to her making illustrations instead of graphics.

She followed the same tutorials the author of the article used. She found a website that had all kinds of tutorials (ex. create a can of beans & how to make maggot text effect) for her to follow. It was all going great until the sufferer noticed she was only following tutorials.

With this realization, she tried making things of her own. But she became frustrated when she couldn’t properly execute her ideas, when she had them. The sufferer struggled to come up with new things to make. Resulting in her making illustrations for daily holidays, which were at times quite enjoyable, but the satisfaction didn’t last.

When even the daily holidays couldn’t conjure up ideas, she turned to using her worst enemy: AI. She used a random item generator, attempting to make whatever item sounded easiest. This eventually took the excitement out of her. The sufferer didn’t see any point in continuing. She thought maybe she didn’t enjoy design after all.

So she gave up on the challenge, only lasting a measly twenty-five days. It wouldn’t be until months later that it became clear to her. She didn’t dislike design. She disliked illustration. In a way, the challenge wasn’t a failure. It revealed things the sufferer didn’t even know about herself. She just sucks at illustration.

I mean, what a loser. She really only made it a quarter of the way and you should see some of the stuff she made in those twenty-five days. I’ve had the pleasure of getting a peek and boy, it really was a pleasure. This stuff was so ridiculous it had me cracking up.

One day, she really just made a wobbly-looking ice cube. This other day she tried making a chocolate bar, and let me tell you, it did NOT look like a chocolate bar. Ah haha, really pathetic stuff.

I mean, I really can’t believe she even went as far as she did. I’ve heard of the sufferer before and she’s notorious for starting things, then giving up when it doesn’t go exactly as she planned.

But anyway, that’s the story. I guess it’s good the sufferer knows how to somewhat use Illustrator now after the challenge.

What Does This Mean?

There I was sulking about my house. It was the beginning of the cursed month of February, so spirits were already low. To make matters worse, a winter storm had rolled in a few days before and left an overcast. All of this combined had the place feeling dim and empty.

My mope around leads me to the fridge. Hoping to find some kind of sustenance to lift my mood. But, alas, there wasn’t much to behold. The only item that drew my attention was a box of Go-Gurts. I thought, why not, and took one out.

Really, I ended up taking all of them out of the box, because I enjoy looking at the designs on the tube. They mildly impressed me, then I saw one that really caught my eye. Written on the front was: Ding Dong, Texas is a real place. Look it up! With a wacky cowboy guy in the back.

I felt a little befuddled, but found it humorous. Why did the strawberry-flavored Go-Gurt tube say that to me? Is it implying that Texas could somehow be fictional? What if this whole time we have made Texas up? Do people not know Texas is real? Maybe it’s just my narcissistic American thinking, but I thought Texas was a well-known state.

I stood there pondering the statement. Was Texas a real place? Should I look it up? What will I find? All of these questions were too much for me at the time. What had this Go-Gurt tube done to me? I stared into the eyes of the wacky cowboy guy in hopes of an answer. Any explanation, but I received nothing but a soulless smile. He knew what he had done. This was his plan all along.

To this day, I still haven't recovered and I'm not sure I ever will. I just need you to know. Take caution before viewing your Go-Gurt tubes. It’s not just a small amount of yogurt cased in a way that somehow makes it more appealing even though it would taste the same in cup form.

It’s a Weapon.

“I Love Spending Time With My Kids!”

Man states whilst never looking up from his phone.

We get a view of the average American family as they dine at a restaurant. Little is said, as they seem preoccupied with the devices before them. Both parents sit silently, focused on whatever is on their phones. Their two young kids do the same, scrolling through apps rated 13+.

The youngest of the bunch, just a baby, blabbers away to itself, hoping for someone to take notice. The mother appears aggravated by the little one, eventually reaching into a bag and handing the baby a large tablet, cased in a fun, bright color.

Finally, the family is heard when their server comes to the table asking what they’d like to drink. This seems to spark conversation between them as the oldest son is heard talking about how the hottest girl at school is totally interested in him.

The middle child, a girl, shows her mother videos of artificially beautiful women, stating how she wishes she could look like them. The mother simply nods and gives a slight smile, visibly not very interested in the discussion.

Eventually, they all go silent once again, only being heard when demanding more from their server. The night goes on; the food brought out and eaten. The family is getting ready to leave. On the floor around their table is a mess. Drinks spilled over accidentally by the kids. Food thrown all around by the baby. A neighboring table notices the mess and jokes to the family. "You have some messy little eaters, huh?" The father responds with a laugh and says, “The staff will clean it up. It’s what they’re paid to do”, as he leaves a 3-dollar tip.

National Bubble Gum Week

March 12th-18th

Chew! Blow! Pop! Haha it’s so fun! Get your jaws ready to smack on some bubble gum all week long. It’s time to celebrate by blowing some chewy bubbles.

SHOUTOUT

EARL GREY TEA

with lemon!

My love. My sweet. Thank you.

Straight From The Clouds

Into Your Glass

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.