Issue No. 21︱Monday, July 29, 2024

You have been warned.

Even if you somehow still don’t trust me, I hope you trust me when I say this: never trust a maple candle. If you’re wondering why, just be patient. I have a tale for you today that will scare you enough to never even want to be near a maple candle.

It all started nine years ago when a girl was given a maple-scented candle. She initially thought the smell was pleasant and excitedly lit the candle and waited for the sweet aroma to fill her nose. It wasn’t long before the smell filled up the entire room. She was pleased by this and went on about her day. After a few hours, she decided to blow out the candle, which was only then again lit the next day, and the next.

Every day, for as long as she could remember, the girl burnt her candle. Every day, her room was filled with the sweet smell of maple. Hours and hours would go by and the candle would burn; it seemed it would never run out of wax. During all of this, the girl began to be questioned why she smelt of maple syrup or, if she was in the vicinity of anyone, could hear them ask one another why they smelt pancakes.

After all of this, the girl decided she should probably stop burning the candle as much as she had. The smell had stained everything she owned. Every clothing item, every surface, even her. No matter how much she did laundry or how much she cleaned and scrubbed every surface, the smell would never fade. The girl threw out the candle, thinking it had stained the air around it for a thousand lifetimes.

With the questioning and mockery running rampant, she thought she’d never be able to escape what the maple candle had done to her. She wasn’t sure how many “why do you smell like pancakes?” questions she could handle. Just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, she began to notice something strange going on with her skin.

It started after she would wash her hands. She would scrub and dry them, only for them to feel sticky right after. She would again wash them, but to no avail; still sticky. She tried to ignore it, but it became hard when it began to spread. After her shower, the girl could feel every part of her body sticking together. Her hair would clump together and seemingly never dry. She was terrified and didn’t know what to do. Every shower she took only made it worse.

She made do by hiding her hair as much as she could, but it became impossible to hide once her skin started to ooze. She stared at herself in the mirror, watching slow, sticky drips of syrup spill from every pore on her body. She desperately tried to wipe it away, only for more to take its place. The oozing became more frequent and stubborn. She could no longer hide what was happening to her, so she gave up… She became unrecognizable, until eventually, there was nothing of her left except a pile of sticky maple syrup.

Take heed of my warning; I beg of you. Do not, under any circumstance, burn a maple candle. There are many other wonderful scents out there to choose from—ones that are far less dangerous. Please tell anyone you know, anyone you care about, to stay as far away as they can from maple-scented candles and stay safe. There is no telling when this candle will take its next victim, and if you’re not careful, it could be you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

What Even Are Nuts?

How do they even grow? I guess that’s a question you could ask about literally any plant, but for nuts it seems even stranger. These little hard-shelled things grow from the stems of trees, then one day they just fall to the ground where you can trot along and eat them. How fascinating is that? All of these crazy, wonderful, yummy things that can grow out of seemingly nowhere. And how animals can spread all these plants. One year you don’t have a mulberry tree in your backyard, then a few later you have a grown tree that produces berries you can eat. It’s magical.

So really, what even are nuts? We can just eat these little weird ass things that grow on trees? How are we even able to eat them? It seems like it should be impossible. Some hard-shelled small object that holds a sometimes freaky-looking—talking about you pecans and walnuts—edible inside? How could it be? All I know is that I’m happy that we can eat them and that they taste so good. And that there’s so many things you can make with them.

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON PECAN PIE…

I Cleaned My Floors

This is what I found.

I found something while cleaning my floors on August 3rd last year. That day I had planned on cleaning my floors. As we all should, floors can get dirty very quickly. I decided I was going to really give my floors a shine. We’re talking on hands and knees, scrubbing every little crevice. I was making good progress when, in the corner of my living room, I noticed one of the floorboards looked a bit… off. so I tossed my cleaning supplies to the side to investigate. I jiggled the board around and, with a little convincing, was able to lift it free.

One after another, I was able to loosen the surrounding boards until I was left with a man-hole sized hole in my floor. I saw there was another cut in the board beneath with an old dusty hatch. I carefully pulled at it until it was completely open, and there before me was a staircase leading down into a dark room. I grabbed a light and made my way down, brushing off cobwebs as I declined.

To my disappointment, there was nothing down there but an old, dusty room. It seemed this place was just an old basement. I turned off my light and went to head back upstairs when something caught my eye. Off in the room's corner, there was a light beaming from what looked to be underneath a door. With my light back on, I eased my way to this supposed door, only to be met with a blank wall. I searched all around and found a little crack, which I again jiggled open until the door broke free.

Heavy amounts of dust came floating towards me as a gush of cold air blew past me. I was met with an almost blinding light that took my eyes a second to adjust to. When I could finally make out what was in front of me, I was in disbelief. There’s no way this is possible, I said to myself. Before me, there was a fully functioning Papa John’s restaurant. The savory scent filled my nose. I went to the counter and ordered myself a pizza, and thought how lucky I was to have my very own Papa John's right beneath my home.

An Apology

I’d like to formally apologize to my sister for making her play dubstep in her car when I was in middle school.I really had her blasting micropenis...

I Hope You Can Forgive Me.

Two-Headed Calf

I cry every single time I read the Two-Headed Calf poem. There will probably never be a time I don’t cry. Maybe I should force myself to read it every single day until I become numb. Though I don’t know if that will even work, and it will probably cause me to be in a weird mood all day, so I’d rather not.

You should overshare every aspect of your life on the internet so strangers can see. They definitely care about what you’re doing and need to know at all times.

It’s not the internet. It’s our internet.

Avocado Day

It’s Avocado Day, July 31st. Now, for some, this is a big deal. Avocado is one food I see just about everywhere. In every meal plan. In every recipe, but I just can’t get into it. The taste resembles eggs to me, and well, don’t get me started on eggs… but this is the day you can have your avocado toast and not feel shame for it.

Coloring Book Day

Time to get out that old coloring book on August 2nd for Coloring Book Day! What a great way to kill some time coloring in some pre-made pictures. And what about that magic coloring book, eh? The one where you open to a blank page and present to draw something, then you close the book and say the magic words, and when you open it again, BAM, your drawing has magically appeared!

Chocolate Chip Cookie Day

August 4th

Ah, the chocolate chip cookie… truly one of the finest cookies, and such a classic! So wonderful to bite into an ooey gooey chocolate chip bursting with delicious flavor! Yum! I can hardly even function thinking about it. August 4th can’t get here soon enough! I need a chocolate chip cookie now!

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.