Issue No. 6︱Monday, April 3, 2023

Victim just wants to know if this was legal.

We have a story here that we don’t know how to describe. The victim anonymously reached out and would like their story to be heard from a legal standpoint. They also want pity for how the pharmacist treated them.

The story takes place during the victims last year of high school. They had reportedly not had the best morning, but say virtually everyday they were in high school wasn’t the best, so this day was not much different. Not until towards the end of their first period.

They had been told to report the the middle school office. This confused them as they were in high school. On the way, their mind raced as to why they were being summoned there. When they made it to the office, the principal told them they had missed school when there was a random drug test, so they needed to test today.

Anger and confusion filled the victim. Confusion because they hadn’t seen the regular drug testing company there, and anger because they had always been forced to test during the random drug testing. They weren’t in any extracurricular classes, so they didn’t understand why they even had to test. They were told to meet up with the high school principal when first period ended, so they headed back to class.

This hadn’t been like any other drug testing they'd done before, and it became stranger when they made it to the principal’s office. The principal told them to wait at the office because there was another person who had to test as well. The victim sat there suffering through small talk with the principal until the other tester finally showed up. Of course, it had to be the girl from second period, who the victim found to be obnoxious.

The principal told the two testers to follow him and were led outside and into his personal vehicle. The victim was on high alert. They didn’t feel comfortable getting in the car and wondered what exactly was happening. The middle school principal was also there, already waiting in the car. Then they took off and left school grounds, headed to a local pharmacy.

When they arrived, they had to fill out some papers, then waited to test. The girl with the victim went first with no issue, but it was a bit more complicated for the victim. The victim loathes drug testing, for their bladder, doesn't work on command. The victim was prompted to drink some water, which they did. It didn't seem to help much, but the victim eventually forced themselves to test, so they could get out of there.

A pharmacist lady greeted the victim and kicked up some small talk, which the victim hates. She asked all sorts of questions until she got on the subject of prom. The victim told her they had no intent to go. The pharmacist reacted in a shocked way, asking why. The victim explained they didn't want to be around anyone from school, to which the lady responded with disgust, saying, "Don't you have any friends?”

Eventually, the conversation lead to the pharmacist telling the victim that they wouldn't amount to anything, and will flip burgers at Taco Bell for the rest of their life. After the testing was done, the victim just wanted to get back to school, but the principal had other plans. He took the two testers around town and made them go into local businesses to put up posters for the basketball team. As they drove around, all that water finally hit the victim's bladder.

Tell a Lie Day

I will NOT be participating.

April 4th is Tell a Lie Day. As someone who is incredibly trustworthy and 100% honest, I cannot, in good conscience, partake in this holiday. The fact that there’s even a day to celebrate such a disgusting act quite honestly upsets me. If everyone were to be as truthful as I am, the world would be a better place.

But I guess if you feel the need to LIE, April 4th would be the day for it. So go ahead all you sinners, go lie to your heart's content. The biggest lie is yourself, for thinking it’s okay to lie, even if there’s a holiday for it. But I refuse to promote it, so here’s some contextless steps from wikiHow on how to stop lying:

• Learn how to face consequences

• Make a commitment to stop

• Practice actively telling the truth

• Make honesty the core of your character

If you can't say something true, don't say anything at all.

Lady Hears Voice of Mother Through Text Tone

Imagine you’re a high schooler in 2016. It’s a Saturday evening and you’ve been out on the town. Now you’re headed back home, but decide to stop at a convince store to grab a drink. You walk in and everything is how it normally is. You grab a drink of your choosing and walk up to the register to pay. The worker standing behind the counter has a demeanor any convenience store cashier would, so you think nothing of it.

As the lady scans your drink, you get a text message from your best friend. A loud, “I’M ETHAN BRADBERRY,” comes from your pocket. You forgot your phone wasn’t on silent. This event embarrassed you, and you quickly grab your phone to mute it before it can strike again. All of this happened within a blink of an eye, and when you look back up at the lady who was waiting for you to pay, you notice a difference in her appearance.

She looks ill like she had just seen a ghost, or heard one. You ask her if she’s okay, and she anxiously nods, then speaks, “I just heard my mother.” You look at her a bit confused as she carries on. “My mom died a few days ago, and I just heard her speak to me.” You’re not sure how to respond, so you just let out an understanding “Oh”. You finish your payment and say farewell. As you walk out of the store you can’t help but wonder to yourself, was her mother Ethan Bradberry?

This is a true story because I never lie.

Month of March Review

An honest review on how my March went.

First and foremost, I’m always happy when March 1st rolls around because that means the atrocious month of February is finally over. This year was no different. The start of the month was good, the middle was oh fuck what the fuck, and by the end I was convinced I didn't exist. That is how my month went.

Now it’s your turn. Please state—out loud—to this digital piece of paper, how your March went.

Al vs AI

Al is the only one who can defeat AI

I don't know who Al is or how he’s going to do it, but I just know he’s the only one who can put an end to the AI takeover. Trust me, I never lie.

I Hear Lawn Mowers

I heard a lawn mower for the first time in a while. It made me happy because it reminded me that warmer days are here, but it also annoyed me. Like why do you gotta mow your grass bro? Just let it grow. The truth is:

SHORT GRASS = SHORT COCK

I Read Jane Eyre

I will give no opinion. I am just letting you know that I honestly did read the book last week.

Have A Nice Day

PLAY (only one game) TIC TAC TOE HERE

Who won the game? Tell me the truth.

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.