Issue No. 11︱Monday, May 20, 2024

This person is a creep.

Just a warning: the story we have for you today is just a tad bit creepy. And by creepy, we mean this person is a real creep; let’s just say we wouldn’t want to be living in their neighborhood.

It started some years ago when this person moved to a new city. The neighborhood was unlike the one they had before, and they were excited to get out and explore. One day, while out and about, they came face-to-face with someone else walking down the sidewalk.

The person made awkward eye contact with this stranger, and that was that. They didn’t see them again. It wasn’t until months later that this person was outside in their yard, enjoying the freshly fallen snow, that they saw the same stranger walking on the sidewalk once again.

Those are just a couple of the encounters this person had with this stranger who lived in their neighborhood. The person went on to get a job, and just when it seemed like they had forgotten the stranger, they realized something: the job they had started seemed to have the same uniforms that the stranger would wear while walking.

So when this person was at their job, they would keep a lookout and wonder if they'd see the person who lives in their neighborhood, but alas, there was nothing. Then one day, this person was introduced to a new coworker who had been on vacation for a few weeks, and when they saw them and how they walked, they realized it looked oddly familiar. 

Could it be? Could this coworker be the stranger they saw walking so many times? This person wasn’t sure, and the coworker didn't seem to recognize them. But after once again seeing the stranger walk past their house and getting a better look at them, they realized their coworker was indeed the stranger in their neighborhood.

After realizing this, this person was on high alert; they did not want their coworker knowing they lived in the same neighborhood, so they went out of their way to avoid this person completely when they were at home. Every time they walked out of their front door, they had to take a little peek up and down the street to make sure their coworker wasn’t out walking.

When this person was at work and finally started to talk more to their coworker, they felt like they were keeping a dark secret. Sometimes the thought would pop up in their head, "This other person I am speaking to has no idea that I know where they live, and I can see them walking almost every day.”

If their coworker ever mentioned something about their personal life, like their neighborhood or where they lived, this person would start to really feel uncomfortable and think, "Yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Little do you know, I live just right down the street from you." This person felt it was wrong to know this and not mention it to them, but they never said a word.

This person ended up quitting that job and could still, after many months of being gone, see their ex-coworker in their neighborhood. They still felt like a creep, knowing exactly where that person they saw walking on the sidewalk was going and what they were going to be doing.

It felt like they had psychic powers that they shouldn’t be able to have. They shouldn't be allowed to see a person walking past their house and know so much about them. At least if the coworker knew, maybe it wouldn't have felt so odd. This person just doesn’t like to reveal anything to people, and now they are stuck with a weird and uncomfortable feeling, knowing that their ex-coworker lives in their neighborhood.

The World Ended Today

Some probably wish it really had.

Did you know the world was supposed to end today? It's true. May 21, 2011 is when good ol' Harold Camping predicted that God would finally come back and the world would end. Because just anybody can predict the end of the world, right?

This infamous prediction influenced so much during this time. It was like it was 2000 all over again. People were convinced that this was the year that the human reign on earth would finally be over, and some started to actually prepare for it.

Yes, some people actually took this seriously. They literally took their kids out of school, sold all their belongings, and prepared themselves for the end of days, only to be met with, well, more life. Who could’ve guessed a regular ass human being's prediction of the world's ending wouldn’t happen?

Some might think it would’ve been better if the world actually did end that day, but unfortunately for the planet, we’re still here. Just think of how much healing Earth could have done by now if humanity had disappeared... If you want to celebrate the day that the world was supposed to end, then maybe throw a party like it truly is the end of times because maybe it finally is.

That’s right, I’m going to predict the next end-of-day date, and what should I pick? I’m going to go with February 19, 2027. Why, you may ask? Well, February 19 is National Mint Chocolate Day, and I think putting mint and chocolate together is an abomination. And I picked the year 2027 because, well, there’s something fucky going on with that year.

All Olive Gardens Are Connected

I’m about to tell you something you can never tell another living soul. This information is extremely classified, and it cannot get out to the public. If this information were to be leaked, the results would be catastrophic.

Are you ready to know what I’m going to tell you? You have to pinky promise not to tell anyone else. Okay, here it is: all Olive Gardens are connected with portals in the kitchen. With a mega Olive Garden being held at a base called Area 27, it’s a lesser-known Area 51 that the government is keeping extra secret.

I only know about this because it was revealed to me in a dream. Yes, that’s right. I have a psychic connection with the Olive Garden franchise, and I know secrets about it that no one else will ever know. Again, you can’t let anyone know about me. I can’t handle being locked up in a government facility.

I can’t reveal too many details, but just know that in every kitchen in every Olive Garden, there’s a secret area that, when entered, you are transported into another Olive Garden kitchen. If you go back through that same portal, you’ll be taken to a different Olive Garden.

If you were to keep going through all these different portals, eventually, after going through every Olive Garden on earth, you would land in the mega Olive Garden at base Area 27. It’s there that I believe the actual Garden of Olives is contained.

If you were to take a bite of one of these olives grown in this facility, it would be the purest-tasting olive you’ve ever had. It would be life-changing. It could cure all ailments, and that is why it’s being kept secret. The public would have too much power with one of these olives. You mustn't let anyone know what you have read here.

Cockblocked by Dreams

I never have dreams about the people I like until months after I’ve forgotten about them.

Do you never have dreams about the person you like, and when you actually do, the person seems to want nothing to do with you? Or maybe you’re just as uncomfortable around them in your dream world as you are in real life? Then months later, you have forgotten about them, but then all of a sudden, one night, you have a weird dream where that person is the main focus? Then, when you wake up the next morning, you’re left feeling strange, and it takes a couple of days for that dream to leave your thoughts? You don’t understand anything I’m saying? You want me to leave you alone, and you're uncomfortable? Wait, who are you calling? 

National Solitaire Day

Is this your card? Just kidding, this is not the time for magic. We need to be using our deck of cards for something far more entertaining. Dust off your finest deck for a few games of solitaire this May 22nd.

National Asparagus Day

May 24th

What the fuck even is asparagus? What is it? Maybe I’ll find out on May 24th Anyway, I guess you can celebrate by cooking up some of this versatile vegetable and munch it up.

CAN SOMEONE REIMBURSE ME FOR ALL THE BOOKS I’VE BEEN BUYING

Please and Thank You

I About Fell in Love With a Man Because He Smelt of Coconut

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.