Issue No. 2︱Monday, March 6, 2023

These thieves will steal your identity and your heart.

Woman discovers she has warrant for arrest after failing to appear in multiple court hearings and pay fines. The thing is, she’s innocent. Faced with jailtime, she was desperate to find out exactly what happened, and it wasn’t what she expected. Apparently, a pair of local nightcrawlers were able to steal the identity of the woman. Then went on to commit a string of petty crimes.

The details are spotty, so please, bear with me. Not much is known about the infamous Fresno Nightcrawlers. They’ve only been seen lurking about in the night. Seemingly with no plans or intentions. Now we might have an insight on what shenanigans they keep themselves entertained with.

Evidently the nightcrawlers in question had been rummaging around in garbage cans in local neighborhoods when they came across enough documents to successfully create themselves a fake ID. How they were able to accomplish this is unknown.

With a their new identity, the pair were able to get off scot-free after committing various small crimes. It doesn’t seem the two wanted to terrorize, or take over the world. They only stuck with small, non-jailable offenses. So not a big deal for the rest of us citizens, but kind of a big deal when you’re the one being framed for the crimes. Or so you would think, right?

In a strange turn of events, the woman being accused, while facing jailtime, felt no anger towards to the two identity thieves. She states that Fresno Nightcrawlers are so adorable, she couldn’t be upset. When brought face to face with the criminals, she simply squealed and gawked over them. She demanded nothing happen to them. Willing to plead guilty for every crime they committed as long as they were able to go free.

When questioned about her choice the woman had this to say:

“They were fined for fishing without a license. How cutsie pootsie is that? I mean it’s so awweugoo wowwe wowwow x3!!!”

I’ll admit, I saw the found footage of the nightcrawlers attempting to fish at a local private neighborhood pond, and I completely understand where this woman is coming from. They were so darn cute trying to catch fish. They don’t even have any arms and just couldn’t do it. What were they even thinking?

It doesn’t matter what they were thinking. Because after the video was leaked, everyone who has seen it agrees, the Fresno Nightcrawlers are too delightful to be charged with crime. They need to be set free. We should respect the nightcrawlers and let them ransack our garbage whenever they please.

Thank You Ronald Reagan for National Frozen Food Day

I'm enthusiastic about obscure, lesser know holidays celebrated throughout the world. As I was scrolling to see this week's holidays, I happen to come upon Frozen Food Day. I thought to myself, oh what another silly little holiday. Then, upon further reading, I discovered the holiday was enunciated by nonother than the 40th president of the United States, Ronald Reagan. I could only ask myself, why did Ronald Regan want a national holiday for frozen food?

It’s proclamation 5175. Reagan proclaims March 6th as National Frozen Food Day. He states the US of A is blessed with an array of agricultural products that make our food production and distribution system the envy of the world. Claiming one of the aspects of that system is frozen food.

Now, I know he probably just wanted to celebrate that we have the ability to store food by freezing it. We can finally eat vegetable in the dead of winter. I just can’t help imagining that he made a whole holiday where Americans can unashamedly chow down on a Hungry-Man. He states the holiday is to recognize the contribution the frozen food industry has made to the well being of Americans. Please Mr. Ronald Reagan, tell me what I’m gaining by eating a Kid Cuisine.

At the end of the proclamation, he calls upon the American people to observe the holiday with appropriate ceremonies and activities. So you better be munching on frozen tv dinners this March 6th, or Ronald Reagan will come back from the grave.

Famous Author Claims to Carpool With Spirit of Hawaiian Goddess

Well-known author—I have never heard of him—recites his encounter with the supernatural. And this wasn't just any ol’ spirit. This was the spirit of a goddess. A Hawaiian goddess, to be exact.

The story starts with the author landing in Hawaii, being recognized for his books—I have never read them—and him refusing to buy a homeless man Starbucks. The author goes to rent a car, but just his luck. All they had left was a ten-passenger van. He has no choice but to accept, then gets on the road.

He sees a hitchhiker and decides to give her a ride. A free spirit, hippie-esque woman hops in the van, and the author notices the van become considerably hotter, despite having the A/C on. He states the woman had a flammable odor, and as they went on, was able to identify every lava flow that had created the land they were driving on.

The author found this to be enough evidence to convince himself that he was giving a ride to a supernatural being. He questions his passenger, but she denies all of his accusations. Then, when they get to their destination, the woman gets out of the van at a stoplight and vanishes into thin air. He reveals he thinks he just gave a ride to Madame Pele. The Hawaiian Goddess of fire and volcanoes.

So what do you think, bullshit or no shit?

8-Bit Music Triggers My Fight or Flight Response

I don’t want to explain myself.

I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to e

Celebrate Your Name Week

March 5th-11th

Go ahead and pat yourself on the back because you’ve got a name! This week it’s time to celebrate the term people use to get your attention. There’s a fun holiday every day this week to fully appreciate the week, and yourself.

Sunday- Namesake Day

Monday- Fun Facts About Names Day

Tuesday- Unique Names Day

Wednesday- Learn What Your Name Means Day

Thursday- Nametag Day

Friday- Middle Name Pride Day

Saturday- Genealogy Day

WARNING

THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT

I have a product to sell.

And this is the ad for it.

Are you ready to know what I’m selling?

I need you to buy my product.

Please I am so desperate.

I’ll tell you once you promise to make a purchase.

$16.99

I Have Eyeballs on My Fingies Please Send Help

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.