Issue No. 23︱Monday, August 12, 2024

Fuck the meat cleaver.

This will probably be the most passionate issue I ever write. I have many thoughts and feelings about this terrible, terrible state. Ask me what ranking I give Oklahoma, go on, ask me. [You ask the ranking I give Oklahoma] Why thanks for asking! Despite all the hatred I have for it, I actually rank it #49. Place #50 is for West Virginia. Now sometimes they can switch places and if Oklahoma keeps acting up the way it is, it’s going to be bumped down to last. But you know at least it’ll still be a top 10 worst state!

If you live in West Virginia and take offense, I’m sorry. I don’t know exactly how it’s going there; I just have some personal beef with the state that I haven’t gotten over. If you live in Oklahoma and are upset about me bashing it the way I am, I don’t care. If you don’t think this state sucks just a little bit, well, then you’re probably not someone I want to be associated with, and the feeling is probably mutual. So if you want to leave, you can, but I tried warning you. I’m going to keep talking shit.

For the sake of myself, I’m not going to spill every belief I have about why exactly I hate this state so much. So I will be sticking to the more petty, pathetic things. But just know that there’s a lot I’m not telling that fuels my hatred for this top ten worst state. So what petty little complaints do I have about this state? Well, let’s start with none other than the weather.

There’s only two seasons in Oklahoma. Hot or cold. And yes, you might be thinking those aren’t even seasons… Well, Oklahoma doesn’t really even have seasons. It’s either hot or cold. One day you’re freezing, then the next you need to turn on your AC. You’ll want to bundle up in the morning, but by the afternoon you will wish you were wearing shorts. Just when you think the weather is warming up and the flowers start to bloom, you’ll be hit with an ice storm, and everything green will rot away once again.

In the summer, there’s no doubt you’ll sweat with the absolutely suffocating humid heat. You’ll have no energy to do any summer activities because the heat makes it almost hard to breathe at times. In the winter, you hardly ever get a magical winter wonderland. Most of the time, it’s just freezing cold, and everything looks extremely dull and depressing. You’ll sometimes get hit with an ice storm that will leave you without power for about a week, which will leave you questioning your own sanity.

Don’t even get me started on the tornadoes. Yes, some people think they’re fascinating, and while they are, they’re also extremely terrifying. You can’t relax and enjoy a thunderstorm without the lingering thought that it could potentially produce a tornado. If there are signs of a tornado, you have almost no time to prepare or react. By the time you’ve gotten to your safe spot, the tornado has actually already passed by next to you and thankfully didn’t do any damage. But when they do leave damage, they leave damage.

If you want to do any fun in Oklahoma, your opinions are getting drunk and hanging out with potential racists at a lake or taking a trip into a city, which will take about two hours to get there because of the terrible traffic. And hopefully you don’t get shot while you’re on the road because Oklahoma has some of the worst road rage drivers known to man. Combine that with a gun, and you got yourself a potential murder charge.

So, you wanna visit Oklahoma?

Blue Whale of Catoosa

If you look up attractions in Oklahoma most likely, you’ll see the blue whale. Apparently it’s a Route 66 attraction, but I’ll save you the trip. It’s just an old, shitty-looking whale slide that goes into a lake. I’M SORRY. If you think the whale is just a cute, innocent attraction and I’m an asshole for hating on it, I understand.

It’s just a little whale after all. It’s something that your grandparents would like to go see after they retire and go own their Route 66 road trip. So I get the appeal; I just like to make fun of it because if you look up state attractions lists, other states have such interesting, elaborate places, and Oklahoma has the fucking blue whale.

I do feel bad bashing it so much after learning the backstory, so please don’t kill me. A man in the 1970s built the whale for his wife, who loved to collect whale figurines, and after the locals began to enjoy it, he built the place out and made it a little park. Complete with picnic tables and even hired lifeguards for the lake.

Now you know about the blue whale. It’s a silly-looking whale and has a wholesome backstory. Only someone as evil as I am could possibly hate it. Don’t be like me. Take your grandma to go see the Blue Whale of Catoosa and enjoy it.

Oklahoma's Cryptid

Not only is Oklahoma famous for one marine animal, but two marine animals. Seems like two too many for a landlocked state, but I digress. Now let me fill you in on the infamous Oklahoma Octopus. Again, this is another thing I love to hate on because if you look up lists of cryptids (which I’m a big fan of) in every state, you get so many interesting creatures, and then you have Oklahoma’s, which is just a fucking freshwater octopus.

Yes, that’s right. Somehow, an octopus has made its way into the lakes of Oklahoma, which, by the way, are manmade. So how the fuck did an octopus get into a manmade lake? It didn't. Yes, like most cryptids—or all, or none, please don’t attack me cryptid fandom—the Oklahoma Octopus is just a myth.

If you look up this creature on YouTube, you can find clips of a show that ran an episode talking about the Oklahoma Octopus and how it’s killed people, but I’ll save you a watch and tell you what’s actually happening: dumbasses are getting drunk and going in a lake without wearing life jackets. So you know, a recipe for disaster. (I'm sorry for calling drown victims dumbasses.)

And that’s it. Not nearly as interesting of a cryptid compared to any other cryptid, but that’s Oklahoma for you. Everything seems to be a bit dull and boring. At least West Virginia has fucking Moth Man.

Who Would You Choose For A Seat On Your Town's School Board?

1. A lady who has years worth of experience working in public schools

2. A guy who is a wealthy business owner (he owns a gym) and has his kids in a private Christian school

If you live in Oklahoma, it’s obviously the second option.

If you wanna know what it would be like to have a burger prepared by someone with a mental illness that’s also in a cult, you should try out Little Mike's Burgers in Oklahoma City. This place used to have terrible reviews before other cult members festered their way in like little cockroaches and praised the place for catering to the delusion that their dearest cult leader actually cares about them. It’s like if Jonestown ended with onion burgers instead of Kool-Aid. Not to mention the place looks like it hasn't been cleaned since it opened. Stepping into this restaurant is like stepping into a physical rendition of your crazy uncle's Facebook page.

The only time I had Swadley's, it gave me food poisoning. Maybe they should pray to Jesus for the ability to make better fucking food instead of spending swindled money on dumbass crosses to put outside their shitty restaurants.

When typing Swadley's, it autocorrected to dead legs.

Twisters

Aw people in Oklahoma really think others see them as cool because they finally made another movie about a tornado. Also, don’t eat me alive, but I couldn’t finish the Twisters movie, as I thought it was a bit shit. But I guess that’s what I get for listening to a bunch of teens in a Pinterest comment section saying it was the best movie ever.

Milkman Day

August 12th

It’s Milkman Day, but forget him when you can get your milk from Braum's! And what about the cow bus on the Braum's dairy farm, huh? Have you ever rode in a cow bus? I bet not, and let me tell you, it’s exactly the same as riding on a regular bus.

Tell A Joke Day

It’s Tell A Joke Day on August 16th, and I have a real zinger! Okay, here it goes: Oklahoma is a great state for raising kids!

Kool-Aid Day

August 16th

Oklahomans should be excited for Kool-Aid Day, since it seems most of them are fond of drinking it, especially if it's red!

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.