Issue No. 24︱Monday, August 19, 2024

Don’t let this happen to you.

It was a late October evening. A pair of friends had spent the day virtually hanging out and gaming as a way to celebrate the birthday of one of them. The day was coming to a close when one suggested that, as a birthday gift, they should look for some psychic readings to purchase. They agreed this sounded like a fun idea, so the hunt began.

They weren’t looking to spend a lot of money on a virtual reading, so they made their way to an online shop where they might find something cheap. After some time searching, they found what they were looking for. A cheaply priced, well-reviewed psychic. Now all they needed to do was find what reading they wanted.

They decided to stick with the same reading, whatever it may be, so later they could compare and contrast their results. After some more time searching, they decided on some past life readings. They excitedly purchased the reading and discussed what the results could be. Would they have a similar past life? Could they have known each other before this life? The possibilities were endless, and they took turns guessing what their results would be.

That night came to an end, and now all they needed to do was wait. Just a few days later, they both got their results in and were ecstatic. They both kept from looking at their reading so they could react to them with each other. They made plans to call each where they would read their readings out loud.

The call began, and the results were opened. They both took some time reading silently to themselves. One friend felt a little disappointed as she read, thinking that nothing really sounded like her, but kept an open mind, not wanting to dishearten her friend. They finished reading and got ready to reveal their results to one another.

As one of them read her past life, the other friend realized almost immediately that her past life sounded identical to her friend’s. She didn’t want to interrupt her, so she left her finish. Afterwards she made a joke and said, "Well, it looks like we have very similar past lives," and began to read her results. The other friend was in disbelief that they had gotten the same exact results, so they sent them to each other, where after they compared, it was revealed they had indeed both gotten a copy-and-paste response.

This disappointed them. One friend thought it was funny and said, "Well, this is what you get for an $8 psychic." While the other felt scammed and decided to take action. She went to the website and posted a bad review, saying that they had purchased readings to celebrate a birthday and were giving the same results.

Afterwards, the friend began receiving messages from others who had purchased a reading from this psychic and said they had also received the same results as the friends did. This psychic was charging people $8 to email them a copy and paste of a past life. Honestly, it's kind of smart if you have no guilt in you.

After reading this review, the psychic responded and said they would give a refund. It turns out they only gave one friend a refund, but at least it was the one whose birthday they were celebrating. So for her birthday that year, she got an $8 refund, a shitty past life reading, and a funny story to tell. So next time you want a psychic reading, do as you should and go to your local psychic reading shop instead of buying an $8 reading from an online crafts store. They really should have known better.

Wolverine Gatekeeper

Now obviously I can’t gatekeep the Wolverine, as he’s been one of the most adored X-Men for decades now. I mean, who do I think I am? No, that title was simply to grab your attention. This story here is about how I discovered the Wolverine and decided he would be my favorite “superhero” (The X-Men don't feel like superheroes, and it feels wrong to call them that). If I were still in high school and we had a spirit week with one day being: dress as your favorite superhero, I could actually participate instead of just going into deep thought about how I don’t really have a favorite superhero, and if I did, who would it be?

It all started when I was listening to a podcast episode debating who was better: Batman or Wolverine? In the debate, one guy mentioned that Bruce Wayne would be someone nice to invite to your wedding, while the Wolverine would probably cause a ruckus and try to bang your bride to be. This got me thinking: I don’t know much about the Wolverine, but I’d like to.

When I had my “I’d risk it all to be alone with Wolverine” moment last year after watching all the X-Men movies and felt I was alone. But now I’m not so alone after the newest Deadpool movie came out. Tumblr has been on that shit since day one. I clicked the hashtag once and I can’t tell you how much smut has been recommended to me since.

Before, the only people who were in love with Hugh Jackman were middle-aged divorced women. My teacher had cut outs of him on her wall. I saw so many Pinterest women commenting on photos of him, saying how attractive he was. Well, now they have competition. Those photos of him are now littered with comments from teens saying they got him pregnant.

Strange Music

Finding strange music...

Did you know you used to be able to listen to any radio station in any galaxy? That’s right. You could listen to intergalactic music! How cool is that? Want to hear something from the cat eye galaxy? Just tune into it. This freedom of music made it to where no one on earth was ever listening to the same song. Everyone literally had music to listen to that no one else had heard. They could truly gatekeep music.

In having access to all of this, people were able to find strange music. Music that, if others had heard it, might frighten them, but the ones who enjoyed it were happy. Sounds they have never heard before and voices that sounded so disturbed would blast through their headphones all day. Soon after the discovery of this music strange things began to happen to them, and with that, the intergalactic stations were put to an end. Some feared the exposure to this music would bring the end of days—that there was something evil about it and thus ruined it for everyone.

Yeah, I’m pretty pissed I can’t fly.

Oh, how I wish I could fly and feel the wind flow through my body. How amazing the sights must be up in the sky! It’s dangerous for me to be around cliffs, for the desire to jump off and hope I can fly is so strong sometimes it consumes me.

Taste The Rainbow?

That’s just titanium dioxide. A substance that is banned from being put in candy around the world except America. But why would America ban it? It’s a free country after all. The land where companies can get away with putting toxic substances in food because when the government tries to stop them, the people cry that they’re having their freedom taken away. The freedom to consume toxic substances, that is.

Bow Day

August 19th

Bow tie? Yes, please! Hair bow? Yes, please! Any kind of bow? Yes, please! Spunk up your next outfit with this fun, classic accessory. If you love bows, August 19th is the day to wear them. Or wear them every day. If you really love bows, you should be wearing some right now!

Radio Day

Radio, someone still loves you… and maybe that someone is you, reading this right now. Well, I have some good news for you. Radio Day is on August 20th. So get that dial ready for some swift station-changing action; you need to hear as many stations as possible to truly appreciate this holiday.

Justice For Pluto

Pluto doesn't deserve to be demoted just because it’s small. It’s unfair and disgraceful. Maybe we should demote Jupiter for being too fucking big, then everyone would freak out. “How could you do that? Jupiter should be considered a real planet!” But oh, when it comes to Pluto, who cares? Everyone’s always picking on the little guy, and I’m tired of it!

A Painting Titled:

Make This Painting Flow, Though God Could Flow It for Me

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.