Issue No. 5︱Monday, March 27, 2023

So this is how we got the European starling?

The year is 1890. You’re an upper-class New Yorker and a chairperson for the American Acclimatization Society. You also happen to be a devotee of William Shakespeare. Who else could you fangirl over? Unfortunately, K-pop isn't a thing yet.

You are truly a diehard fan of Shakespeare and need to let it all out. Everyone needs to know. Twitter won't be invented for another 116 years, so how can you let the world know you're a true fan? You release 60 European starlings in central park, and that’s exactly what Eugene Schieffelin did.

That’s how the infestation of the rat birds started. Those 60 dirty ol’ sky rats were just the start. Eventually, they went on to take over the entirety of North America, bullying their way through the continent. Taking over the nests of the native birds, and hoards of them ruining entire crops.

I’ve witnessed them attack other birds at the bird feeder. They throw the eggs of other birds out of nests so they can take over because they don't want to make their own nests. They cause millions of dollars of damage to America’s agricultural industry every year. They have even murdered people.

In 1960, Eastern Air Lines Flight 375 was taking off from Logan International Airport when the aircraft ran into a flock of starlings. Some birds were lodged into the propellers, causing the plane to crash into the nearby Winthrop Bay. All of this happened within the span of a minute. Of the 72 passengers on board, 62 of them were killed in the accident.

So thank you Eugene Schieffelin, thank you so much. I’m so glad you and your little committee thought you needed to bring your little European flora and fauna to America. So happy you thought these shit birds would be useful to this country. Really though, they thought bringing these things over could be beneficial to the ecosystem; they were wrong, but I get what they were trying to do.

Was Eugene Schieffelin even a Shakespeare fan? Did he introduce starlings to America because he wanted the country to have all the birds from Shakespeare’s writing? It actually hasn't been proven, but it makes for a good headline. It also doesn't change the fact that I hate shartlings with a burning passion. With their sadistic behavior and vile calls. I always give a sneer when I see them. Truly the worst bird.

Business Owners Day

March 29th

Shop at your local businesses before Walmart inevitably comes in and takes out all competition, then heads out once they've done as much damage as possible.

Niagara Falls Runs Dry

No, all the water hasn’t been made into cola. Yet. I’m actually talking about the event that happened on March 29th, 1848. When Niagara Falls ceased pouring thousands of tons of water over its cliffs. This was caused by ice blockages in the rivers surrounding the waterfalls.

A fascinating occurrence that I’m sure was a real conversation starter for the Victorian New Yorkers in the area. It seemed to be a real hoot for them based on the photos of them walking across the ice with their children.

But that’s not the only time Niagara Falls had no water flow. The only other time it went dry was in 1969 when a dam of rocks was created in the river leading to the American Falls, so engineers could study the falls’ rockslides.

They ended up finding two corpses in the dried-up river. Which was apparently surprising to people based on the falls’ history. I’m sure it was a real conversation starter for the Baby Boomer New Yorkers in the area.

Seeing the falls with no water is actually quite interesting and I strongly encourage you to go take a look at the images. You'll find it's in your best interest to go look at those photos as soon as possible.

Butter Review

Before you get your hopes up, this is not a review for the edible butter.

Last week I read a book I first read in high school titled: Butter. The book was how I remember it, but since I last read it; they have made a movie from the book, and that's what I want to talk about.

I would just like to say, who in the fuck is the guy on the cover of the movie? That’s not the Butter I know. That guy looks like a fucking loser. They got him blasting away on his sax in a goddamn fedora?! WHO? I haven’t seen the movie so yes; I am literally judging it by its cover. I don’t have the willpower to suffer through the movie. It has 58% likes on Google. I can’t waste my time with it.

Anyway, the — ah haha got you! Let's talk about that edible butter now. No one wants to hear about some fucking movie. Now I give butter (the food) about a 2/5. Yes, it’s an important ingredient a lot of the time, but that is the only way I consume it. It’s just add-in food. The idea of eating just raw ass butter is repulsive. (Ironically, the main character of Butter is forced to eat a stick of raw butter. THAT’S WHY HE’S CALLED BUTTER.) Is there anyone who actually finds that appealing? I bet there’s someone on my strange addiction that does, but I don't care enough to look into it. I’m going to continue living my life thinking no one is disgusting enough to shove raw butter down their gullet. Ignorance really is bliss if you ask me.

RIP Maggot

2020-2022

Oh, what is there to say about Maggot? You might think I have hard feelings towards this plant based on the name and you would be correct. Also, I want it to be known that the “I” in RIP is what Maggot looked like by the end of its life.

The plant came from Walmart, so I should've known it was going to be defective. I thought it was nice looking. I had no idea the pain it would bring me. Throughout its entire two years of existence, not once were the tips of its leaves NOT brown.

I did everything I could. I did so much research on the plant and tried all of it. Never did it look any good. There was one time, after I trimmed the fuck out of it, that it looked attractive. That’s when I actually took the picture to the left. I thought things were looking up, and I actually started to like the plant. Then it died two months later.

This picky bastard decided it was just going to give up living because it didn't have distilled water. It had me in my kitchen like a goddam scientist trying to collect condensation from a boiling pot of water. You might ask, "Why not just go buy a jug of distilled water?" And to that, I say mind your own business.

So good riddance, Maggot. You never stood a chance, you Dracaena Fragrans piece of shit. Warneckii Dracaena never puts me through the turmoil you did. “Easy to care for plant” my ass.

Gone and Will Be Forgotten.

Water Into Cola

Legend has it that when you drink water out of the Coca-Cola glass, it makes the water taste like Coca-Cola.

I can confirm this statement is true.

Just a Little Reminder

Your existence is insignificant compared to the vastness of the universe.

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.