Issue No. 8︱Monday, April 17, 2023

A look into your life on the gas giant.

Oh, so you don't appreciate Earth and all it provides you? Okay then, here's what a day of your life would look like on Jupiter. Buckle up because your life isn't nearly as great on this big boy planet. But this is what you wanted, I guess. Maybe you should’ve shown your own planet a little more respect.

You wake up except, actually you don’t because you died while entering the atmosphere, but let's say you somehow survived, even though it’d be impossible. You get out of bed except you don’t even have a bed. You have just been floating aimlessly because there is no surface on Jupiter.

Hopefully, you like the heat; towards Jupiter’s core, the temperature is hotter than the surface of the sun. Also, there is no oxygen, so you better have enough to suffice you for the rest of your life. What are you living in, by the way? If it’s not able to withstand pressure the same weight as 160,000 cars, then sorry, looks like you’re gonna be crushed to death.

I’ve been meaning to ask if you have recovered from your journey into Jupiter? I know you had to travel 12 hours being pulled down at 110,000 mph by Jupiter’s gravity. Something you would never have to do just to land on Earth. Which you can actually do because, you know, Earth has a surface.

I know you probably don’t want to talk about the 400 mph winds you have to deal with. Or the pitch-black darkness, but it’s all part of the Jupiter experience. At least on Earth, you got some sunshine, and even the strongest of winds were never that intense. I guess that doesn’t matter to you much though; you don’t really care for Earth.

Oh, how wonderful it would be if you and everyone else just appreciated Earth. Look at all it gives you. It literally gives you life every single day. It provides you with food, air to breathe, and yummy water to drink. Does that not mean anything to you?

How can you not see how beautiful of a planet Earth is? From the mountains to the oceans. From the sandy deserts to the snow-covered forests. All the different environments are simply breathtaking. Along with all the creatures that inhabit them. The thousands of different plants we can watch grow from just a seed. It’s all incredible.

Connecting with the Earth can heal you. Sometimes the things we deal with in our lives are overwhelming. Just taking some time in nature is a rejuvenating experience. It’s a grounding reminder that we’re all just human beings. That the things most important in life are living happily and healthily.

This place is quite literally the most perfect for us to live. It’s the only home we’ve got. With all that it gives us, we need to give back to it. Show our home planet some love this coming Earth Day. If you don’t, you will be exiled to Jupiter. I’ll make sure of it. Then maybe you’ll realize how nice you had it.

"How I Became a Water Addict"

The following story is based on true events.

I could never appreciate it just the way it was. I always had to enhance it or consume it in some other form. Then one day it all changed. This is how I became a water addict.

As I said, I could never drink just plain old water. All the water I tried always had some distinct taste I didn't care for. I was like the little girl from the movie Signs. It was only palatable when it had some kind of flavoring. I couldn't live without my little drink mix packets. Country Time’s Raspberry Lemonade being my favorite.

The change came in late January 2021 when I had finally caught the infamous covid. I never felt sick, but I would’ve taken that over what I dealt with. My taste and smell had dissipated, and what a depressing time it was. I learned that a lot of my happiness is rooted in the taste of food, but I don't want to talk about that.

I survived off of water, tuna, and crackers. I didn’t want to eat any food I actually enjoyed; it felt like a waste not being able to taste it. I liked tuna as a kid, so the memory of past enjoyment told my brain that it was okay to eat. If I could actually taste the tuna, it would immediately remind me it’s fucking disgusting.

But oh, the water. After what felt like forever, my senses slowly came back to me, and I never stopped drinking it. Now I can’t stop. No longer do I need any flavoring. It's best on its own. It’s all I ever drink now. It’s so wonderfully refreshing and makes me feel oh so good. It’s done wonders for my skin and health. Go and drink some water.

A Whole Holiday Dedicated to Me

April 18th

It’s National Newspaper Columnists Day! Really, everyone you didn’t have to! I am so thankful you dedicated an entire day to me and all the work I do. I will expect you all to send in letters letting me know how great I am and how much you appreciate what I do. If you don’t, well, then you're not a real fan and you’re not allowed to consume any of my content from now on.

Those of you who are true fans, please, I really need you to tell me you like what I’m doing. I need the motivation to keep going so all of this doesn't feel pointless, like everything else I've done in my life. My ego is deflating fast. Please I’m so desperate. Tell me you appreciate me. It’s the only way I can move forward. Send your remarks to me by connecting with the deepest part of your mind. That's where I reside. That’s right, I am in your head. I am you.

LIVE OUT YOUR

COTTAGECORE DREAMS

in suburbia

Plant a Garden

Make sure to hide your garden from the HOA. You can't have nature making your own home look messy.

Go on a Picnic

Good luck finding your way to a park. Every corner you turn on is just more houses.

Dress Up

Put on that flowy dress of yours and make sure the neighbors see. They probably need something new to gossip about.

Forage for Mushrooms

Wait, where’s the nature? How am I supposed to find mushr—

Ride a Bike

Make sure you stay in those unprotected bike lanes or sidewalks. If you're in the road and a car hits you, that’s your fault.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Ol’ Pal

Happy birthday to my old friend on April 17th. I would contact you if I didn’t have a crippling fear of disappointing people I used to know. I hope you have a nice day.

Enjoy The Outdoors While You Still Can!

I’ve seen the future. In fact, I'm living in it. For me, it’s 2064, but it’s entirely made up in my head. That doesn't discredit me. I know what I'm talking about. I know what I've seen. So please, enjoy the outdoors while you still can.

National Banana Day

Prepare yourself for a potassium-filled day April 19th because it's National Banana Day! Celebrate by, well, eating a banana. It’s not sexual, just put the banana in your mouth. Do it.

Eat the banana.

BILLET-DOUX

*emoji names*

happy earth day!*globe showing americas* thanks bbg for giving us a home and not blowing us around with 1,118mph winds like that bitch saturn*face with rolling eyes**ringed planet* sorry some people wanna be mean to you*pleading face* you deserve the world(hehe*face with hand over mouth*) this day is for you queen*weary face**folded hands**princess*

Translated

happy earth day!🌎 thanks bbg for giving us a home and not blowing us around with 1,118mph winds like that bitch saturn🙄🪐sorry some people wanna be mean to you🥺 you deserve the world(hehe🤭) this day is for you queen😩🙏👸

GET IN THE TUB!

IT’S TIME TO FOREST BATHE.

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.