Issue No. 7︱Monday, April 10, 2023

What does any of this even say?

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Mourning Doves Are Stalking Me

A girl walks peacefully around her backyard. She sees a trampoline and gets on it, but she doesn’t jump. She lies there looking up into the evening sky and all is quiet. Then, from her left side, she hears it. The light coo of a mourning dove.

She lifts her head, looking in every direction, trying to find the source. She finally spots them. Up on the electrical wire, are perched the pair of mourning doves looking down at her. They let out another coo as she stares at them. The sound is haunting to her.

The girl doesn’t know when this all started, but she wants to know when it will stop. It felt like this had been going on for an eternity. Anytime she was outside, no matter where she may be, there they were; the two birds always staring down at her.

In recent days, it seems to have gotten worse. Now, whenever she even was in a car, she would look out the window and there they would be. She’d get past them, but when she looked up again, there they sat. It was like they had already been there, waiting for her. How could they even catch up with her? She would never even see them fly in.

Could she tell anyone? Would anyone believe her? They’re just a couple of birds, after all. Everyone would think she’s making something out of nothing. But this felt like something to her. They’re always just there. Why are they always there?

There’s Something up With 2027

We have for you a recently discovered story. The source is unknown, but the author seems to be delusional.

Hello. I like to pull bullshit out of thin air, then convince myself there’s something mysterious about it. My current bullshit obsession is 2027. What’s the deal with it? It all started when I saw 2027 as the number of an apartment and now I’m sure something is going to happen that year.

I was reminded of this when I heard my neighbor say 2027 as soon as I walked out of the door the other day. The number 27 in general is always on my mind, as well as 24 and 82. Don’t even get me started on the number 17. That’s a whole ‘nother story. Why are these numbers always on my mind?

What if, and hear me out, something is going to happen next year; 2024? Whether it be personal or something drastic like society finally collapsing. Then, maybe something is going to happen in 2027. I’m most convinced something will happen that year. I believe 82 is always in my head because that’s the age I’m going to fucking die.

I’ve googled it and found a Wiki fandom page for the future predicting World War III will start on April 30, 2027, and last until March 25, 2035. Back in 2019, NASA simulated an enormous asteroid hitting Earth in 2027. Also, 2027 is the year of the sheep. That’s all I got.

Bug Killer on the Loose

The family of the victim just wants an explanation.

We're sad to report that on April 5th around 1 p.m., the body of [REDACTED] was found, and the killer is still at large. Why anyone would want to harm [REDACTED], who was well-known and loved in his community, is unknown. Though new evidence reveals the offender could be of the human species.

[REDACTED]‘s family has come forward asking if anyone has information to please relay it to authorities. They can’t fathom anyone harming him, but want [REDACTED] to be remembered for all the wonderful things he did. He was always willing to give a helping hand to those in need. Around the time of his death, [REDACTED] had been out scouting for a place to build a new school for unfortunate orphaned children. It was on one of his trips that his life was taken from him. He died doing what he loved: serving his community.

We’re hoping with the help of the public we can bring justice to the monster that took away our [REDACTED]. If the suspect is human, this death might be the final straw for the No More Human movement. A movement [REDACTED] was in support of.

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Flesh Flavored Kool-Aid

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bestofdate.com

You can search for any date and get all the details on what was going on during that time. Like what music was popular, and who the president was. You can even get an estimate on when you were conceived! Why wouldn’t you want to know that?

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Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.