Issue No. 14︱Monday, June 10, 2024

This movie is awful.

The story we have for you today is a cautionary tale, a heed, a warning. We are trying to keep you from falling into the trenches this movie has created. We don’t want you to fall victim to its grasp the way this person did. This story takes place many years ago, when the victim was in high school, and to this very day, they have still not been able to recover.

It was a spring morning when the victim walked into class and sat down. It was getting towards the end of the school year, so what they would be doing in class that day was uncertain, but the victim could have never guessed what was about to happen. The teacher declared that today the class could just watch a movie. The victim was happy about this because they had some other work to get done. They placed their laptop and papers in front of them and began to work.

It wasn’t long before the victim heard the teacher and class discuss what movie they should watch. The victim was curious what would be picked, so they tuned into the conversation. The movie Tooth Fairy 2 was announced, and at that, the obnoxious redneck boy sitting next to the victim shouted out. This was the movie he wanted to watch, and with his voice being the loudest, it was the movie that was chosen. The victim didn’t even know there was a second tooth fairy movie, and they had no idea that it starred Larry the Cable Guy. Once the victim became aware of this, they realized that was the reason that unpleasant boy wanted to watch it so badly.

The lights dimmed, and the movie began. The victim had already gone back to work and had everyone tuned out with their earbuds in. Some time had passed, and they were making good progress on their work when they suddenly became aware of the movie playing at the front of the room. The victim tried to ignore it and go back to work, but the movie had already sucked them in. They took an earbud out and tried watching just a second of the movie. Their curiosity had really gotten the better of them. Instantly, the victim regretted this decision. The movie had been just as terrible as they thought when they first found out it starred Larry the Cable Guy.

The victim put their earbud back in and tried to ignore it, but no matter how loud they turned up the music, they could still hear it. They could still see it playing from their peripherals. It was useless. The victim gave in and took their earbuds back out, both of them this time, and decided to fully immerse themselves in the movie. This decision still haunts the victim to this day. “Joke” after “joke”, the movie kept dragging on. With every distasteful joke or fart noise, the big-mouth boy next to them would laugh out loud. The victim looked over at him from time to time, in disbelief that he could actually find this funny.

Eventually, the class ended, and the movie was never finished. The victim felt what they had just seen was too terrible to be real. It felt like a dream to them. A year passed, and the movie had long left the victim’s memory until one day they were reminded of it. They weren’t sure whether it was real or not, so they looked it up, and there it was. Unfortunately, it had all been real. The victim knew it shouldn’t be done, but they felt compelled to rewatch the movie in its entirety. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as they remembered? How did the movie even end? These questions kept popping up in their head, so they finally sat down and began the movie.

All the emotions came running back to them. The movie was just as they remembered. The terrible jokes, the subpar acting, the redneck accent, and the fart sounds. It was all too much for the victim to handle. Less than an hour into the movie, it had felt like a lifetime had passed. What’s the point of this movie? In the first tooth fairy movie, the point was the main character becoming a better dad, but in this one, it was just Larry the Cable Guy being a continuous asshole. When will it ever end?

Happy Father’s Day Murphy

If you are unaware of who Murphy is, let us catch you up.

Say you are one of America’s greatest treasurers, the bald eagle. You lived the past 31 years of your life in the World Bird Sanctuary in Missouri after an injury left you unable to fly, but that doesn’t stop your primary maternal instincts. You’ve never had an eaglet of your own, but it’s all you desire. This is the story of Murphy, a bald eagle who wants nothing more than to be a parent, and how he finally got his wish.

With the spring came Murphy’s instinct to care for an egg of his own. The problem was that Murphy didn’t have his own egg. So what does he do? He finds a substitute. Murphy found the perfect rock for him to care for and guarded it with his life. He spent weeks crafting a nest for it. He even had to be moved to his own enclosure to keep the other birds safe from his vicious form of protection.

It’s a bit of a sad thought, knowing that this eagle was drawn to caring for a rock all because of his evolutionary instincts. It makes you think about how much we humans do every day because of evolutionary reasons. Murphy's caretakers hoped his need for care-giving would pass with the season, but then something unexpected happened. A little eaglet was brought to the sanctuary after falling from his nest during a storm. The chick was united with Murphy, who finally got his chance at being a father.

Making Life Beautiful Day

What makes your life beautiful? Is it the way the leaves blow and tap on your bedroom window? Is it the way the water from your kitchen sink sparkles in the sunlight? Maybe you don’t know what makes your life beautiful. So on June 11th, for Making Life Beautiful Day, we encourage you to take a moment to find something beautiful in your life. No matter how big or small it is.

Sit down and appreciate the things in your life. Write down anything that makes you happy. Go out and explore and experience the natural beauty of nature. It’s good to try to find little things that make you happy—things that make your life beautiful. Maybe for you, it’s someone in your life. A friend or a pet. Whoever or whatever it is, today is the perfect time to reflect and appreciate.

Do something that makes your life feel beautiful. Bake yourself your favorite treat or read your favorite book. You could have some friends over to play a board game or watch a movie together. Though we don't suggest watching Tooth Fairy 2, there’s nothing beautiful about that movie. In the end, people and memories are what make life truly beautiful. We hope you have a beautiful day and continue to have a beautiful life. Now go out there and make your life beautiful!

World Juggling Day

June 15th

Happy World Juggling Day! Whether you’re juggling through the obstacles of life or literally juggling objects, we hope this day will be great for you!

All a Girl Needs

A girl does not need a blanket; a girl only needs:

Coconut water

Lip balm

A cot

A pillow

The ability to read Frankenstein under the moonlight

Herbs and Spices Day

It’s time to celebrate herbs and spices, for it is National Herbs and Spices Day this June 10th. Where would we be as people without these ingredients? Isn’t it wonderful how this planet has provided us with all these different plants to create such delicious dishes? How amazing is it that, over all these years, humans have had the ability to take these plants and craft them into unique and different flavors? Thank you, herbs and spices, and thank you, every plant on earth, for making our meals better.

Midnight Bed Rising

Medical Emergency

I would like to take the time to let you know that if any of the near-future issues of the blugg newspaper come out late or completely cease, it is most likely because of my health. This is not meant to alarm anyone. I am not implying that I might soon be dead. Though we never really know, do we? I just have many, many doctor appointments at this time, and it might be challenging for me to balance everything I have going on. Thank you for reading and understanding.

Have a blugg day!

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.