Issue No. 28︱Monday, September 16, 2024

Fuck trucks.

Disclaimer: I came up with this title thinking that it was clever because I could connect the overall shrinking of dicks to men who need to compensate with big trucks, but after doing some research I was mistaken. It’s actually just sperm count that’s dropping because of the ever-growing pollution, not dicks shrinking, though I’m still convinced I’ve heard that somewhere before. Regardless of the future of manhood, I’m still going to dog on the current state of it.

Hate me if you want, but it’s always the most annoying stupid pieces of shit that have big trucks or loud cars. Or they’re a balding middle-aged man who feels he has to make up for his miserable life with a large vehicle. If you’re upset with me for making fun of men who are already down in life, I don’t really care, for they’re the same type of men who refuse to do any kind of self-care because it’s unmasculine and men can’t show emotion. It’s not my place to cater to and make men feel better about themselves. If they want that, maybe they should grow some tits and talk to their bros about how they’re feeling.

With that being said, let’s get into how hard life can be for truck owners, as they need our pity. First off, think about how difficult it is for large truck owners to find a place to park. Those spots are so small; how are they supposed to fit? If you ever come out to your car and see a truck parked so close to you that it’s difficult for you to get in your car, don’t be mad. It’s not the truck owner's fault that he himself bought an unnecessarily large vehicle.

Not only is it difficult for them to find a parking spot, but it’s also hard for them to park at their own house. Sometimes there’s just no room in their driveway with the other 3 cars they own parked there; of course they need to park in the street. So when you’re driving through your neighborhood and it’s just about impossible to squeeze through all the cars in the road, just know it’s what had to be done.

If you think well, "Why don’t they just use their garage? It’s literally what a garage is for." Well, then you’d be foolish to think that. Don’t you know garages are actually just a place to store all of your useless shit? No one uses their garage for their car. Plus, how is it even supposed to fit? These poor truck owners can’t even get their vehicle into a garage because it’s just too small. You really should be more sensitive to what these guys have to go through.

Truck owners also have a hard time feeding their families, not only because they used all their savings and had to take out a second mortgage on their home to even purchase the vehicle, but because it’s difficult for them to carry groceries in their massive truck. They can’t put in the small little bed in the back; what if something falls out? And think of all that sun exposure. The cabin of the truck is too large, and the groceries fly around everywhere, with how reckless they drive.

I can’t believe you dislike these trucks when these poor men are going through such struggles that could have been avoided by purchasing a normal-sized vehicle. Just think of the reason these men need to drive lifted, loud, oversized trucks: they have to make themselves feel better somehow. They don’t get any emotional support like they should because it’s unmanly to be emotional. They don’t have other men in their lives to talk through their problems with. They have to show the world how good they’re doing with a large truck or a loud car. I mean, why else would they be driving a truck when they live in the suburbs? I mean, what are they hauling? Their ex-wife’s couch? There’s really no reason for it other than proving to everyone else that they’re doing just fine, when in reality, they’re falling apart inside. But, oh well, it won’t change for them until all men change to a healthier mindset.

I Saw It on a Commercial

So I can do it too!

What do you mean I can’t drive my big, sexy lifted truck anywhere I want? It’s lifted, which means I should be able to drive over any terrain: snow, sand, mud. Who cares if I’m damaging the environment I’m driving through? I saw it in a commercial, so I should be able to do it too. I don’t care that I’m destroying preserved lands. What about the creatures' homes I’m ruining? I don’t want to have to drive in a designated area. If the trucks on commercials can drive anywhere they want, well then so can I.

And what about driving through the city? In the commercials, there aren't any other cars. They get to speed through the streets. Why can’t I do that? Obviously, if it’s in a commercial, it must be real, which means I should be allowed to speed through empty city streets. The commercials are, of course, an accurate representation of what it would be like to own the vehicle.

How do I get to experience anything fun or connect with my family if I don’t have a vehicle? In the commercials, they show how happy everyone looks to be able to go on road trips and explore new places. Why is it that when I get in the car with my family, we don’t immediately begin beaming with joy? It’s not fair. How else can we enjoy ourselves? We need a car for everything we do. It’s starting to feel like the commercials aren’t as real as they make them out to be…

Noise = Dementia

Noise pollution can lead to dementia.

That’s right. All those loud cars and traffic noises you’re being exposed to are damaging your brain. Who could have guessed? So next time a loud, obnoxious car comes rolling past your house, make sure to yell out and thank them for giving you early-onset dementia. People with loud cars obviously don’t care about your well-being, so why should we care about their stupid ass vehicle?

We all need to start being as loud as possible any time we’re near a loud car. We need to assert dominance. Even if the car is off and not making any noise, but you can just tell it’s loud, go up to it and start yelling. When the owner comes up to ask what you’re doing, yell at them too.

Maybe if we get more and more people to yell at loud cars, we won’t have to hear them anymore. Maybe we could strike fear in the owner's heart; they won’t want to drive around with a loud vehicle if they’re going to be yelled at. Maybe we can finally get some peace and quiet and prevent ourselves from developing dementia.

Car Disconnect

The cars you pass on the street are just that: cars. There’s no human being behind the wheel controlling it. So when you drive recklessly or experience road rage, just know that it’s okay because it’s only a vehicle. That’s the great thing about cars. They keep you disconnected from reality.

You can do things you wouldn’t normally do because you’re protected in your big metal box. Want to shout and cuss at someone who just cut you off? Go right ahead. You couldn’t do that if you were actually walking next to them. Want to do something reckless? Go right ahead. If you were to do something reckless with your body, you might damage it, but with a vehicle, you’ll be protected.

Just think of all the awful things you could do with the protection of your car. You should be lucky you don’t have to face the world head-on. Reality is disappointing. You need to view life behind the wheel of a vehicle. It’s the only way to truly live; just look at all those car commercials.

I wear my sunglasses at night because your headlights are too bright.

FUCK LED LIGHTS

YES, DIESEL DADDY, FILL MY LUNGS WITH THAT HOT, BLACK EXHAUST SMOKE.

THE TRUCK STEPPER

We know it can be hard to hoist yourself up into your big truck, so we made a device to help.

Yes, it may look like a step stool, but don’t worry, it’s still manly.

ONLY $49.99

I HOPE PEOPLE WITH LOUD CARS ARE HAVING A TERRIBLE DAY. FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING CAR.

World Ozone Day

On September 16th for World Ozone Day, we should collectively run all of our fossil fuel burning machines so we can speed up the warming of the planet. The sooner humanity dies out, the sooner earth can heal itself, and maybe a more appreciative species can evolve. One that will take care of its home and respect it.

Yes, Daddy, get yourself that loud, expensive sports car. You need it to feel like a REAL MAN again.

World Car Free Day

September 22nd

Time to ditch the car and find other means of getting around. Think of how nice and clean the air could be if we didn’t have to depend on gas-guzzling, space-taking metal shitboxes. Most people will refuse to participate just one day of being car-free. You can’t really blame them; most of the time, a car is the only way to get around. There are no sidewalks, and public transportation is basically nonexistent. Some love the luxury of being disconnected from the world around them, and the car is perfect for that.

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.