Issue No. 30︱Monday, September 30, 2024

Do you enjoy your birthday?

Whether you like it or not, you have a birthday. We all have that one day of the year where we took our first breath. Some like to celebrate this time to the fullest extent, while others would rather not be reminded that another year has passed, and they have gotten older—a bitter reminder that their life will inevitably come to an end one day. Regardless if you love them or hate them, your birthday does hold importance. Even though you share it with someone else, this is the day that you, yes, you, came fully into existence. There has to be value in that.

Some may think it’s cringe when others get really into their own birthday, but is that a bitter response? Yes, some birthday parties can be a bit extreme and cause unnecessary pollution in more ways than one, but celebrating your birthday shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. If you take this day, the day that you came into the world, to relish in your own special way, go for it. This day should be a time you take for yourself and really appreciate that you exist.

You might wonder why this day should even feel special considering you share it with thousands of other people, but think of it this way: that’s thousands of other people who have somewhat of a connection with you. While you’re celebrating your special day, there are others doing the same. What a neat feeling, right? To know that people you will never meet came into the world the same day you did. It’s a humbling and meaningful thought; you are never alone, even on a day meant to celebrate you.

Yes, your birthday should be all about you, but maybe not in the traditional sense. Birthdays should be whatever you want them to be, though is there much value in birthdays just being a time you get a lot of gifts? Yes, it’s a thoughtful and loving way for the people in your life to show they care about you, but what should you be doing on this day? How should you feel? Maybe use this day as a reflection of yourself.

Think about all you’ve accomplished and what you’ve endured as a person. Think about the future and all that you want to do with your limited time on earth. Really appreciate that you are alive. Do something that you have wanted to always do. Whether that be as small as trying a new food at a local restaurant or as big as going on a trip to a new country. Birthdays should be spent connecting with and pleasing yourself.

You could debate that time and dates are just a man-made concept and that really we don’t even have birthdays, so it’s silly to think that there’s a certain time dedicated to you, but if we got into that discussion, there would be a lot to talk about. Also, why does that even matter? The concept of time isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon, so might as well celebrate your birthday.

What Is Buffer Night? (EXTENDED VERSION)

What does this mean?

It was mid-afternoon on a regular day when this unsuspecting person heard something unusual on their local radio. In between static sounds and the beat of unfamiliar music, a voice came through. It was obvious that two radio stations were fighting for dominance. It wasn’t only the sound that was intriguing, but the information being presented caught the attention of the listener. The story being told had something to do with whatever buffer night is.

The beginning of the story had already been told when the listener tuned in, but they began to understand the whole picture as they listened. It went something like this: a group of friends had been driving in rural northern Arkansas when they stopped at a small, desolate gas station. They went inside to find a few oddly acting locals and began to converse. What they talked about, the listener didn’t know; they only tuned in once the conversation was on the topic of buffer night.

They said the station owners began to act strange and told them it was buffer night, but the group misheard them and thought they said buffet night. They panicked, thinking that these strange rural folk were going to cannibalize them, making them into a human buffet. They kept asking what these people said and realized it was actually buffer night. They felt relieved but still weirded out and left before they could figure out exactly what buffer night was.

They got in their car and sped off; emotions were high, and they chatted among themselves about what they just encountered. They felt like they had dodged a bullet and kept wondering what buffer night meant. Was it some local ritual? Did it have something to do with the group of friends? Were these people going to harm them? They ran through these questions to each other without a clear answer.

The listener of this story was now wondering what buffer night was. The story was over and seemingly like it had never happened. Why was this story being told on this random local station? They had many questions themselves. They took to the internet to search for buffer night, and really no results came up. None of the results connected to each other, and it seemed to be a mess of random websites. They then found a forum thread where someone asked what buffer night was. Strangely, all of the replies and even the post itself were less than 24 hours old. Everyone, including the listener, was wondering what buffer night was at the same time. How could this happen? That question still remains, as well as the mysterious meaning of buffer night.

How I Get to School

An unbelievable school journey.

You’re never going to believe what I have to go through just to get to school every day; it’s absolutely wild. I can't wait to tell you this story; I mean, you’re never going to believe it. This journey is so insane, and I can’t believe I have to traverse it every single morning. I'm going to be telling this story for years to come; my grandchildren will have to hear about it every day so they’ll know just how lucky they have it. I have to go through treacherous things every day to get to school, and they’ll probably get to just teleport there.

They have to know how tough it was for me and how easy their lives are in comparison. There’s no way I should have to feel grateful that the world progressed in a way that’s convenient for my own grandchildren. I need to let them know how rough my life was so they’ll feel guilty about the modern luxuries they have. That’s the only way to connect with your spawn: guilt. They’re also just never going to believe the story; it’s so absurd. You’ll never believe it either when I tell you. So, are you ready to hear this crazy story about the unbelievable journey I take to school every morning?

DENTAL HYGIENE MONTH

October is the month to take control of your dental hygiene. If you don’t already brush your teeth daily, well, I’m not going to comment, but this is the month to make a habit of it. Also, make sure to floss! It’s such a small thing that gets glossed over, but trust me, you’ll notice a difference once you start.

Apple Month

You know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So you best be eating an apple every day starting October 1st.

HAIR FOR BIRDS

October 1st is Hair Day, and we have a deal for you.

Any hair you gather from your head, bring it outside.

The birds will trade you gold coins for every lock of hair you give them.

They will then use your hair to build nests.

Think of how nice it is that a piece of you will be used to house some of earth’s creatures.

CD Player Day

Ah, the CD player. The good ol' days when you got to own your music instead of paying a monthly fee just to listen to it. If you’re feeling particularly nostalgic for the CD play on October 1st, it’s probably because it’s CD Player Day.

CHURCH LIBRARIES? NO THANKS. I WANT CHURCHES TO BECOME LIBRARIES.

I petition we turn old churches into public spaces so they can actually benefit society instead of sucking the life out of it.

Sign below if you agree:

Podcasts Day

September 30th

I’m not very fond of podcasts myself, and I’m very picky about the ones I do choose to listen to, but if you enjoy them, then this is your day. But just know if you send me clips of your favorite podcast, fuck you. I don’t give a shit, and I won’t watch it. I realize this is aggressive, and I apologize. I just hate podcasts.

I SURVIVED!

Plus, I got to watch the presidential debate high on painkillers.

(They were prescribed to me.)

Thank you for reading the blugg newspaper.